The Loneliness is Not the Enlightenment.

And lo' the loneliness brings with it unfathomable pain (for you guys, who must now read about it).

Of course, there are OTHERS in the field station that I can talk to. I talk to the OTHERS everyday at dinner and occasionally see them in the morning. But after we have eaten our toast and painstakingly tried not to make eye contact with each other in that dangerous too early morning period, we go our separate ways into our own patches of forest not to see each other again until about 8pm. (But seriously folks, were all the best friends here and wash each other's backsides nightly at the communal bath while singing the Station Loyalty Song)

But generally for the entire meat of the day, I am alone in the forest.

In order to combat this, I really really tried hard to just throw myself into the beauty of the forest. The forest that I study in is actually the one that inspired the forest in Hayao Miyazaki's film Princess Mononoke. There is so much beauty to be had that it really does clears the mind and quite literally fills me with strange forest spirit feelings. As if I can greet the trees and the rocks every day and somehow, they'll understand and know me. *she's crazy!*

But since it's been over a month with seeing the same shit every day, I am so completely over all this moss-covered rock ambiance nonsense. I'm past the point where I can process any more beauty and my general "appreciation for all that is natural" has all but dwindled to a dull, passionless flame. You know that one scene in American Beauty where the neighbor boy goes on a rant about how there is so much beauty in the world that it fills him up? While watching that gay video of the flying plastic bag? All this in front of his girlfriend who, you know, he's trying to bone? I hate that scene. (Yet sometimes I find people who worship it? Who are you people? And why are you so lame?)

Anyhoo, loneliness. So here's what I've done that leads me to believe that I am subconsciously lonely:

1. I collected two completely innocent crabs out of the forest and made them live in my scooter basket to keep me company on rides. However, I forgot to cover my scooter basket one night and they died the next morning due to prolonged exposure to direct sunlight, a la Kirsten Dunst's death in Interview with a Vampire. They were too beautiful for this world...

2. I then collected two praying mantid and they now live in my room, stalking the insects that congregate on my window screen. Seriously, they are my life right now. I check on them all the time, even when I wake up in the middle of the night. I notice minute changes in their forelimbs and capture insects for them when I think they look gaunt.

3. I have been emailing internet entities (that I know will give NO response) and then I (im)patiently wait for a response! This has included bands that I want to see/want to see again in Japan telling them to please come to Kyoto because YOU'RE SOOOO AWESOOOMMMEE!!!1 WHOOOOOOOO!g!1... etc. This has also included the authors of some blogs that I read. Essentially, I send them pretty lame emails telling them that I'm a fan. The funny thing is, these emails are incredibly boring and standard fan mail fare but they take me like an hour to write.

4. I have this incredible desire to groom the monkeys. It's not uncommon for them to come up really close to me and literally sit on my feet, and I have to stop myself from reaching down and giving them a pet while telling them how much of a cuuuutie they are. I really do have to stop this impulse because they will very likely SCRATCH MY FACE OFF and sic the males monkeys on me to do the same. But still, I like, really really want to do this. I guess it is natural to want to touch small furry things (that could maim you blind).

5. As if becoming grooming buddies with the monkeys wasn't bad enough, I also want to befriend the deer. Now Japanese deer are the stupidest animals ever and they really deserve to be eaten raw by Japanese people (this is a kind of delicacy in some regions). Deer will see a human coming THEN STOP COMPLETELY STILL IN THEIR TRACKS thinking that we will not see a huge deer-shaped brown spot stopped mid-graze against the green backdrop of the forest. Of course, we do see them and will continue to walk towards them without caring. Then, at the last possible moment, the stupid deer will finally realize that their cover is blown, make a high-pitched yelp sound (this always scares the shit out of me), and bound away only to turn back, stop still, and restart the whole cycle over again. In this case, I think my desire for friendliness is more of a practical thing as I am just so sick of their startled-stand-still-high-pitched-yelp thing that I would prefer it if we were friends so that we could all just get along.

In other news...

1. I got my scooter back. Its tire is fixed but now it randomly shuts off when I go uphill sometimes? For no reason? And generally only when I am transporting ice cream and fresh sashimi on a 99F degree day? With 100% humidity? And where there's no shade?

2. Since I got my scooter back, I had to return the car that they let me borrow in the meantime. This car was a piece (four gears, no rpm monitor, strange earthy smell), but I know I am going to miss it since typhoon season starts... now.

3. A really fat professor (that I don't even really know but he has authority over the station or something) sent me a very patronizing email about some completely benign issue that got my panties all in a twist. He essentially told me that I lacked respect. I considered responding with, "You lack a metabolism," but I caved and wrote an appropriate response to clear the air. Apparently, what I do lack IS BALLS.

And finally, to all my beta tester friends that I sent this blog link to... EAT ME. (Except for you. You're cool)

I love all your kind words. Even those that made fun of me with your kind words. Because you're all suckers for reading my crap! Ha!

And now here is a picture of a pile of rocks that looks strangely like a pile of poop:

Looooooooove yoooooooou!