Mr. J.

Second from the left.

(Edit: Mr. J sent me an email with his own high-larious notes to this entry. I have updated it with his comments in RED. This will likely make the entry hard to read but you should try really really hard. Yes me and Mr. J are always this cheezy and in-group. Deal.) -- Wed. 7/4/07.

Mr. J is a sophisticated oil tycoon who brandishes the same type of good humor and charm last exhibited by wealthy, water-polo-playing British estate owners circa the 1950's. (Water polo?? I HATE horses...) He doffs his hat when greeting well-appointed ladies, offers his rum pudding round the table before taking his portion, and flaunts his pinky finger while sipping his English Breakfast in a manner so flattering that fainting among Irish housemaids was once commonly known as "J's Affliction" and treated with leeches as was the remedy of the time. (Since the introduction of the leeches, casualities of "J's Affliction" has gone down 239%) Indeed, this virile young gentleman is the finest example of careful breeding (the back of a Volkswagen) at its best and well-suited to the phrase, "A man who enjoys the swirl of his brandy, but is careful to never over-swirl lest his bounty runneth to the dogs."

As fetching as his description might be, he is best experienced through his exploits and pursuits (various eating contests and baby seal clubbing), in so far as a man of such stock as Mr. J can best be understood without being witness to his various charities.

And now for the anecdotes.

Mr. J Appreciates the Beauty and History of Japan. (Mostly robot toys and battered and fried foods)
Mr. J came to visit me in Japan a few months ago and we had a wonderful time. We went to Tokyo, visited those touristy sites that a city-dweller (city-dweller? since when are rickety cabins in the middle of the forest considered cities?) only goes to once a friend comes to town, and generally had lots of private time in our own little coupley-cheezy world. There was one occasion when I took him to Kiyomizudera (that sounds made up), which offers an incredibly gorgeous view of Kyoto and is all around one of my favorite temples of all time (right after the Temple of Doom from Indiana Jones). We went at night to enjoy one of its evening illuminations (and chicken ducks) and I proceeded to tell Mr. J a little bit about this favorite temple of mine so that he might more appreciate the excursion (and get some free tea).

So here I am, giving him one of my best mystical-sounding overly exaggerated descriptions ("This is one of Kyoto's most ancient temples, dating back to the 800's when the only building materials that existed in Japan were seaweed and honey, and 4093989489 Buddhist monks toiled 298374897 days to erect an original structure that was 29384987 meters tall..." (yeah, that is pretty impressive...)) when he whips out his camera and starts shaking it while snapping pictures. I asked him why he was shaking his camera (whilst he was pointing it at this most ancient and spiritual structure) and he told me that it was because shaking it slightly makes this really really cool blurry effect that ends up distorting the picture beyond recognition and, you know, looks all artsy and shit. (Stop impeding my creativity!)


I stopped telling Mr. J about the historical importance of things after that point because to him, it always just ended up being blurrrry! (First off, I only took 3 blurry pictures. Second, shut up)

Blurrrrrrrry!

Mr. J Likes His Dialogue Light, But Not Too Light. (I don't have any comments about this section...you know why...)
I generally use the same tone and words whenever talking to super cute loveable things. This means that I may refer to Mr. J and my pet cat both as "sweetiepies" because they are both in the same category in my head (under the filename: Cuuuuuuuuuuuute!). I can't help it. I just think Mr. J is the most adorable thing ever and I often find myself encouraging him to fit into this niche. But he often complains that I talk to him like a dog. And honestly... I totally do. I don't want to give too many examples but here are a few...

"My my, someone's gonna eat that entire burrito! Who's my hungry boy?"
"Awwwww, aren't you a schweepy baby?"
"Oh my gosh you're sooooo cute! From now on your name shall be Honeybutt-Cuteball Adorable Pants!"

And so on in that fashion. So over the past few years, I have taken this rugged, handsome brut of a man and reduced him to a Corgy.

But I couldn't help it! He's just sooooo cute!

Mr. J is Respectful of Japan and Her People. (whom he is much taller than)
On our way to another evening illumination, I became a bit confused by the twisty uphill streets of Eastern Kyoto. Luckily, there was a crossing guard (crossing guard?? I though he was the Emperor!) clad in an orange "event parking" vest who was holding maps to hand out to the eager, lost masses. (he was also wearing raver-like flashy lights and a mini light saber)

I walked up to him and asked in simple Japanese for one of his maps, of which he of course obliged with a "douzo" (English: Here ya go!). Upon receiving the map, I responded politely with "Arigatou gozaimasu!" (this also sounds made up) and set my (gorgeous) eyes up the hill.

Now Mr. J, who had been here about a (2) week(s), had picked up this Japanese phrase for "thank you" (I thought I was asking for drugs) and had been using it liberally (as many times as I can, as fast as I can) as to adjust in some small way to the culture of the country he was visiting. So after my thank you, he also thanked the man with this:

"Arigatou gozaimasu!" (still sounds made up) (said exactly in that deep Japanese voice George Takei uses on Star Trek and Heroes) (it's actually copying the Iron Cook host from Futurama..... Eye-yunnn Cooookuduhhhh!!)
*deeeeeeeeep bowwwwww* (now, I still dispute how deep this alleged bow really was....)

The crossing guard (whom I thought was the Emperor) was completely taken aback by this gesture because Mr. J's (alleged) bow was so deep that his (alleged) torso was completely parallel to the ground. You see, this is the type of bow reserved only for royalty or for when someone gives you a free Trans Am or something. Hardly the bow necessary for a man that was essentially a (blinking) map stand, but I hope he appreciated it! (I doubt it...damned ingrates...)

After we were on our way uphill, I laughed my (beautiful) face off. Because Mr. J just wants to belong... (in your pants)

And now, some words of zen:

"Sometimes, I wonder how I can run around the forest all day without slipping on all these moss-covered rocks and braining myself on all these exposed roots. And then I remember that it's because I am a ninja." -- some girl who was wearing jikatabi

"When it comes time to pick out that first tattoo, remember: it doesn’t matter how much you like that one comic book. There’s always a chance that eight years later someone will make a movie of it that stars Sylvester Stallone. And you’ll be fucked." -- BNH

Name that movie!

10 Things. Of Various Natures.

I like lists. Deliciously disjointed nonsensical lists.

1. Sometimes I look back at my first post and feel like a huge bag of ass. But it's there to learn from, so I won't erase it (just yet....).

2. I totally take back that nice thing I said about blogger in my previous post. Well, I didn't actually say anything nice about blogger but I did take it off my gun list, which was a mistake. It's back on again for taking another of my 10 seconds.

3. Today was misty, on-off rainy, and mystical in the forest. I couldn't see the monkeys for shit but I could hear Noh chantings and woodblock strikes in my head, so that made up for it. Except for when it stopped raining for a long spell and all the mosquitoes came out to assault my face and drink my sweet sweet eye juices, but I managed to fend them off by cleverly spraying myself in the face with insect repellent. Im rly smaht.

4. I have seen the lowest ranking female monkey in my troop get raped twice following a conflict among the male monkeys. Oftentimes, the males will fight and then displace their anger by mounting another nearby male or female monkey, or occasionally by threatening the human observer. Both times this poor female has been forced into intercourse, I've had to stop myself from intervening and just... let it happen. Because they are monkeys, and this is how they do, and I must be a passive observer to their society. (by the end of this study, I will cold and dead inside)

5. Wet monkey smells exactly like wet dog.

6. Riding your 50cc scooter in a typhoon is the only way to fly.

7. Occasionally, from out of nowhere, a pleasant floral smell wafts into my window. It's incredibly strange and makes me feel ways that I can't explain.

8. My scooter is old and rickety, so it tends to vibrate quite a bit depending on how well it starts up in the morning. This has an unfortunate side effect on my bowels which respond to all the jostling by needing to go BM immediately upon my arrival in the forest. Where of course I can't go BM, so then I must hold this BM until I return to the station about 6 hours later.

9. I think I'll write about Mr. J in my next post.

10. Your moment of zen:

The research station.

I am sooooo fucking zen.

Sometimes I Touch Things.

Wow. I am completely stunned that Blogger actually remembered my language preferences this time. You see, each time I go to log in, it reverts me to the Japanese version and it takes exactly 10 seconds to change it back to English, which is completely unacceptable. Perhaps I won't kill Blogger just yet...

I'd like to talk about some things that I have touched over the past week. For some reason, I cannot just leave things alone and whenever I find something novel (ESPECIALLY if it's some sort of animal), I must touch it. This includes unsuitably hot things, cold things, all things relating to water, gross things, things that do not need to be touched in order to ascertain their nature, but that I want to touch anyway. I do this... just because. You know that one scene in My Neighbor Totoro where Mei touches the huge sleeping Totoro by stepping up to it and moving her hand palm flat downward? Yeah, I like that scene, and feel it is a very Asian way to touch animals as I have seen my mom pet cats like that.

Anyhoo, some things that I have touched in the past week:

1. A Sea Turtle -- The station that I am staying out is about 20m from the ocean which I often swim in after chasing monkeys in the forest all day. Surprisingly, I am the only one that does this as the Japanese researchers always look at me quizzically (read: why?) whenever I mention a swim. Apparently, the only reason the other researchers ever go to this much too convenient beach is in order to see the sea turtles come to lay their eggs in the summer... which is now! So I went out in the evening to find me a big birthing sea turtle, and I found two. And I touched one of them. And she felt like a well-loved old leather bag. Except for her shell. Which was hard.

Seeing the sea turtles lay their eggs was completely awesome and I highly recommend it to anyone who has a chance to see them outside of the aquarium setting. And in typical Japanese fashion, a volunteer (clad all in white) from some turtle conservation town council happened upon me and my turtle in the night, and set about identifying my turtle, measuring its shell, counting its eggs, then FLIPPING THE WHOLE TURTLE OVER and measuring the length of its underbelly. It was all very business-like, if not leaving the turtle a bit disoriented. But luckily I was there to accompany it back to the sea, touching it the entire length of the sandbar all the way to the ocean. I couldn't resist.

2. A Jellyfish -- I did not want to touch this one, but it happened anyway. I was swimming out a little too far in the ocean when I felt stingy-stings on my inner left leg and turned around to see a cluster of white-watery things near the surface. This is a piss poor description of my attacker which could describe many ocean creatures, but I wasn't going to swim around and gaze at it when I had sustained some type of injury. I swam to shore and immediately gathered my things to set home. En route I met a toothless old Japanese woman with essential tremor who pointed to my leg and inquired:

Obaachan: "Kaipoejo deifowja ka?"
Me: "I Japanese no good, many sorries." (in Japanese)
Obaachan: "轡."

I should've taken her picture; I bet her face would have felt just like the sea turtle's flipper did. And my leg swelled up for a time but its now fine.

3. Forest Crabs -- Whenever it rains in the forest (and this is quite often as it is rainy season), these cute little crabs come out of their hiding places and generally scuttle about threatening twigs and bark with their tiny non-threatening claws outstretched ("Well aren't you strong! Yes you're soooo big! Who's my little princess?"). So in between collecting monkey excrement, I like to mess with these little guys because I feel like they become incredibly offended by it. For some reason, I imagine crabs as being rather proud creatures and I generally like to crush the proud feelings of any animal/person/thing by fucking with them. I have collected two of them and they now live in my scooter basket:

I will eventually add some leaf litter and sticks, you know, to simulate their natural environment.

I gave him some rice, because I'm crazy like that. And I like to share. Natch.

And those are some of the things I touched this week.

Things That are Totally True (TTTT).

All of the following things are totally, undeniably, 100% true. And if you deny them, you are Satan or Carrot Top or some equally evil and unlikable person.

1. JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE TOO NON-CONFRONTATIONAL.
I spent the entire day with a smattering of blueberry jam on my face, AND NO ONE SAID A WORD. One might think, "Well Vash, didn't you go to the bathroom? Didn't you at least glance in the mirror while you were washing your post-toilet hands?" Good question! But I peed in the forest all day today. Because that's what I do. I follow monkeys and pee in the forest when I need to. No mirror, no sink. I didn't use a proper bathroom until after dinner, a dinner at which I spent a good 2-3 full hours sitting/talking with Japanese people who didn't say a word to me about my jam. Asses.

2. JAPANESE PEOPLE MAKE HUGE UNDERSTATEMENTS.
I visited a different troops of monkeys last week because I would like to start studying them in the coming months. I went with a Japanese friend who knew the troop so that he could introduce me and show me the lay of the land and what not. Even though he assured me that these monkeys were well habituated to human observers and a very friendly troop, they were aggressive and scary as fuck. We both were attacked for no reason and had to fend off those little bastards with pointy sticks, AKA nature's baseball bat. Usually when this type of situation occurs, it is always best to show submissive, non-threatening monkey-style behavior and back away because generally the monkeys don't want to hurt you/are somewhat afraid of you and will avoid serious conflicts at any cost. However! They were so aggressive that we had no choice but to show threatening behavior because they definitely would have harmed us if we did not defend ourselves. So there I was taking swipes at the dominant male while friend was defending my backside with his own pointy stick, and this sort of thing happened 3 TIMES with two different troops in the same area. WTF!?! He told me this type of thing has never happened in the year that he has spent with them. We returned to the station and were asked about the state of the troop over dinner, to which my Japanese friend replied, "Well, they were a bit unfriendly." And that was it. Fucking understatement of the year, that one. I could go on and on about this.

3. I had a third truth at the beginning of this entry but I've now become so worked up over #2's events that I have forgotten it. Stupid monkeys. Replacing my memories with RAGE.

And just so I don't sound too bitter, some recent PROs:

1. I am living on a small island to the south of Kyushu and it is absolutely GORGEOUS. In a single view, I get lush and essentially untouched forest and clear blue ocean, in addition to quaint Japanese things such as an old fisherman fishing in a boat or an old-fashioned wooden Japanese house with smoke coming out the top.

2. I HAVE A SCOOTER AND IT'S AWESOME.

3. I have made my peace with those big brown Huntsmen spiders as they are everywhere and eat mosquitoes.

4. The people that I live with cook awesome food.

Future Topics (more for myself so I don't forget if enRAGEd):

1. Find the words to describe what I call the self-righteous Japanese woman. And why I hate her.

2. Finnish food.

Bye!