Did I Ever Tell You?

Did I ever tell you? Dear intraweb?

My ever day life (at the moment) involves picking up monkey feces. I know, I know what you're thinking... monkeys = AWESEOME! Monkeys = KEEEEWWWWT! But... feces =/ awesome. Feces = gross. Me = gross person. My life = gross + interesting + smelly. I think this blog will end up being an outlet for my awesome awesome poo experiences because that's really all I've been thinking about lately.

So today, I got peed on for the first time. I was standing around as usual waiting for one of those asshole monkeys to take a crap when suddenly I felt the warm warm drip drip of urine running down my neck and onto my back INSIDE of my T-shirt. I look up and am greeted by a faceful of monkey! Great!

Any normal person might leave the monkeys at that point to fetch a spare shirt, but me (being totally used to all foul biological matter these days and a total babe) stayed the rest of my time with the troop smelling of urine and really not caring. Did I tell you about that one time that this grandmother monkey actually handed me her fresh feces because she noticed me collecting them off the ground? She put her hand to her butt while she was pooing in order to "catch" her doody and hand it to me. She put her hand to her butt for me. Because she loves me.

*I bring you peace, and love*

Yeah. So I'm really used to all things gross and others (monkeys) notice this (and take pity on me). Thanks. I smell great.

(Actually it really did help me that that grandmother handed me her shit because I had been waiting for like 3 weeks for her to take a crap. She didn't even pee once during that period. I was beginning to think that she was some kind of scraggly robot monkey since most monkeys poo/pee themselves every 10 seconds)

Anyhoo, I digress. From what you say? Um.... nothing really. I think I meant this post to be about how I like to share and learn and stuff but the opportunity is gone now. That will be for another time.

Shine and Sparkle. START!

OK. This blog now has a purpose (!!!).

There is this thing that has been nagging me over the past few years. You see, (of course you don't, because nobody is reading this....) I am somewhat of an occasional, sometimes, maybe, HUGE, OMNIPRESENT lurker. I lurk. I lurk your blog, and his blog, and that blog where the woman pretends that the writer and the entries are that of her dog (lame). I am a professional lurker. However I only lurk those that are not behind closed doors and require no such "friending" or "subscribing" nonsense in order to enjoy. To me, "friending" always sounded too much like "fondling" which in turn only made my nipples hard. Therefore, I am justified as those public blogs want lurkers such as myself. It makes them feel good to see one more hit on their post dedicated to what exactly irks them about their jammed toaster or their job or John Mayer. One could even go so far as to say that I am their ultimate desire, sometimes clicking more than once a day to provide more than just single satisfaction. *you're welcome*

So really I lurk for the good of all blogland-kind! Ha! But in the process of lurking... I have become envious. There are so many well-written individuals out there! They truly have the ability to make the most mundane or cliche entries just SHINE. Like, *Sparkle! Now with more wit!* shine. I used to be somewhat of a writer myself (back back back in the angsty teen days), and now that I am in a profession that requires me to write like a robot who can only have emotions in binary, I want/need this ability back. Lest I die a horrible death.

So, I have re-re-re-started this blog in order to find my ability to write again and find out just what kind of writer I am. This blog will never be private and will never be put on a business card therefore attaching a real name/life/business to its author. This blog will be for me and for me alone, outside the realm of real friends and family and job and life and love life. I promise to be as selfish as possible.

Now that you (the vast and impersonal intraweb) know a little more about my purpose, nothing left to do now but go on with a little self introduction!

Hello blogland-kind! My name is McVitty and my favorite fish is Mackerel. I enjoy long walks on the beach and the basketball. My hobbies include tennis, sitting quietly with my hands folded in my lap, and diabetes. I am here to be as entertaining to myself as possible!

*Shiiiiiine! Spaaaaarkle!*